So you don’t know how to sing?? You couldn’t care less if you were singing on beat or off beat and can’t make out the difference between Rafi and Reshammiya?? Hardly reasons enough why you shouldn’t be cutting your own album my dearies! Let such minor faults not deter you from making it big. Follow these simple instructions and watch yourself become a star overnight.
Remixing is like instant noodles. The ingredients are all there. You just have to put them in a dish and shove it in the microwave. The only part where you come in is choosing which song to remix. Having decided that, the first thing you should be doing is making an account on Orkut or any youth oriented social networking site. Now join a lot of communities that have names like “ Orkut hunks and dudettes” , “Mr. and Miss Orkut” , “We are kewl” (not “cool” silly! What are you?? Prehistoric??) , “Party Freaks” , “Rockkkkking People” , “Divas with Attitude” … you get what I mean. Now keenly observe their lingo. Jot down every interesting word that you come across. For instance kewl. rock, party, hot, weird, love, sexy, funky, dude, babe, heya, oh yeah, wassup, come on, really, hunk, gotcha, wanna, getchya, catchya, cya, fun, groovy, ass, et cetera.
Now try making a string of these ( it is not necessary for it to mean anything) and start speaking them really fast. Something like this:
Hey sexy funky groovy kewl bab-eh yeah oh yeah
I wanna getchya catchya cya love aan haan o yeah
I really really mean it come on rock the part-ti-yeah
You got a dude with attitude wassay oh yeah
Chorus: Fuuuunnkyyy, seeeeexxxyyyyy, grooooooveyy (o yeah)
Fuuuuunnkyyy, seeeeeexxxyyyy, grooooooveey (That’s right) [Dard-e- Disco tune recommended] ]
Intersperse your song with this track at every strategic location. I am being generous here by making this piece of genius Rights Free. I could have used more explicit words than these but we are a family blog.
Next you need to go on a high protein low fibre diet before you start recording. This will ensure that you get the constipated look for your video and desperation in your voice. It can do wonders to your sex appeal if you also go without water for a few hours before the shoot. Your camera person can then hold a glassful right over the camera so that when you, with your eyelids heavy and mouth dry, make a lunge toward it, with a bunch of anointed ladies (or six-packed men, as the case may be) pulling you back, your “it” factor seems convincing.
Now walk up in style, flaunt some “kick-ass-attitude” and learn to talk in “oh-you-know-my-next-album-with-pritam-ji” terms every time someone asks you even about your grandmother back in Jhabua.