Drawing-room Dilemmas

Have you ever found yourself smiling inanely in a conversation you don’t really understand; people telling you things that are considered universal truths so much so that not nodding your heads fervently enough, let alone committing the blunder of questioning them, can put you at the risk of being branded a heretic? Here are a few such popular drawing room truths of which I have only had contradicting experiences.

“She’s sad so she listens to sad music”: She must be suicidal if she does. I mean isn’t that like prescribing a boxful of laxatives to someone with Irritable Bowel Disorder?? When I’m sad the last thing I want to listen to is sad music.

“The best poetry is written by he who is under the greatest mental trauma”: Bah! That philosophical, melancholic look is from hours of practice in front of the mirror and some good PR advice. Trust me I’ve tried it. Who would trust you if you wrote something like “ Oh Cassandra! Will we not be?” and talked as if you were just released from a laughing-gas chamber??

“Designer bathrooms are the ultimate ablution experience” : No. They’re so nauseatingly expensive and high on maintenance that they’re more intimidating than luxurious. You’d rather sleep in there than do anything else. And God forbid that a guest should ask you if he could use your wash-room. Makes you wonder if it is under your insurance cover.

“Most problems arise because of lack of communication”: In my twenty three years of existence almost every time I’ve fallen into trouble it’s been because of too much communication. If we didn’t talk such a hell lot, life would be simpler. The next time you talk to your girl/boyfriend on the phone, try playing Solitaire simultaneously. You won’t listen to half of the things that make potential argument grounds. Only, be sure that you don’t burst out into F-expletives when you make a wrong move!

“Women laugh because they find you funny”: I hate to break it to you dude, but it’s only because she wants to be told how pretty she looks when she laughs.

“Shopping is therapeutic”: For the shopkeeper, you mean? Makes my heart sink with guilt. When I hear “shopping is therapeutic”, I hear “Keep funding me and I won’t tell you that I’m having emotional troubles in the middle of your football game”.

“Fish is vegetarian”: The fish is, but you ain’t if you eat one! I was surprised when I found out how in many parts of the world fish is part of vegetarian cuisine. And even more amazed when I found out about the existence of different kinds of vegetarianisms. There’s the simple vegetarian, the Asian vegetarian, the Indian vegetarian, the European vegetarian, the Vegan… I won’t be surprised if there’s a North Western Sub Saharan vegetarian too.

The list is long. And if you too have faced such moments, have patience. Over time and with effort you too shall, as I have, master the art of contorting your facial features into an acceptable expression every time you are caught in the line of fire of drawing-room truisms.